After 6 months of tests and doctors visits to see why my stomach and back hurt, the doctor narrowed it down to a couple of possibilities – either chronic pancreatitis, or I have an extraterrestrial creature growing inside of me, like in “Alien.”
After the latest test, a most unpleasant thing called an endoscopic ultrasound, it looks like he’s settled on the pancreatitis. That’s disappointing, because it would be really cool to have an alien pop out of my belly. I was hoping to film it and get it on Youtube.
I hope this means the tests are over. I’ve had more things stuffed into my orifices this year than Madonna.
When they’re looking for things in your gastrointestinal system, there are two ways to get there. One is through the mouth and down the throat into the stomach. This was the method of my most recent test, and I guess it went fine, except when I woke up from the anesthesia I couldn’t breathe and my chest hurt. The nurse came in, took some readings and said something you never want to hear a medical professional say, “Well, I’ve never seen this happen before.”
They did an EKG and took an X-Ray and had me drink something that made me feel all warm inside, and after an hour said I was OK and ready to leave. My wife took me to a Folks restaurant, since I hadn’t been able to eat or drink all day, but I was cold and when I sat down to eat I started shivering and shuddering violently, like I was lying on a vibrating bed in a Panama City Beach motel. I opted to take my food with me, since the odds of my turnip greens actually hitting my mouth were pretty low.
The other way they check out your gastrointestinal system is they go through the service entrance, running some sort of device into your hindquarters. This is known as a colonoscopy. (I typed, then erased, several jokes here that were in poor taste).
The day before a colonoscopy is a lot of fun, as you go through a “cleaning out” process. I’ll spare you the details, but you wind up spending more time on the throne than Louis the 14th.
Through this process of probing, prodding and squeezing, I have lost all sense of shame and modesty. After the colonoscopy, I was in some pain, and the nurse told me that it was because they pumped gas inside me during the procedure. All I needed to do was break wind a few times. Hell, I thought, I’m good at that. But it still took about an hour.
Anyway, the colonoscopy was fine. The doctor said everything looked good back there. Well, tell me something I don’t know, doc. They send you home with pictures after these procedures, I guess as souvenirs. I’m thinking about doing a scrapbook.
I’m glad to finally have some of diagnosis, though I haven’t found out yet if anything can be done this, or how to treat it, etc. I’m not even sure what the pancreas does, but apparently you need it, so removing it is not an option. Unlike the alien, I’m stuck with it, for good or bad.
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