A break in tradition

For 12 of the past 13 years, I’ve celebrated the Fourth of July by getting out of bed at 5:30 a.m. and going into Atlanta to run 6.2 miles in the Peachtree Road Race with 55,000 other idiots.

I varied that routine slightly this year by instead sleeping to 9, then taking the kids to Waffle House, where I ate a nutritious breakfast of bacon, grits, eggs, toast, and a biscuit smothered in white gravy. In my defense, I only ate half the biscuit.

Our waitress was a little younger than your normal Waffle House beauty. My daughter whispered to me after the girl took our order, “She was in P.E. class with me my freshman year in high school.” See, I said. She’s gone out and gotten herself a job. Maybe you could do the same.

My daughter got the same disgusted look she always gets whenever I say something inappropriate (you know, words like “work” or “job” or “no”), and said, “She dropped out of school because she was pregnant, dad!” Well, I said, that just shows you that she’s doubly ambitious – she’s working AND raising a family, and I can’t get you to feed the dog, except at gunpoint.

The drive over to Waffle House was a lot of fun, as I let my son take the wheel. Armed with a learner’s permit and an ego that far outstrips reality, he confidently drove us the one mile to the Waffle House while only giving me three minor heart attacks.

I am learning some things about my son as he learns to drive. For one, apparently he suffers some form of dyslexia I never knew about before. For example, he sees the word “Stop” on a sign, he reads it as “Slow down a little bit.” And to him, “Yield” translates to “Accelerate.” This disability also apparently causes him to add 10 miles per her to every speed limit sign.

Seriously, it should be against the law to have two teenagers at one time. The Chinese know how to handle this sort of thing.

After the Waffle House trip, I continued celebrating my country’s independence by plopping down on the couch to watch a little TV. I watched a few minutes of "Shatner’s Raw Nerve," and William’s guest this morning was Jenna Jameson, whom he described as a “modern renaissance woman.” Thankfully he didn’t go on to list her talents.

My better angels took over and I changed to channels to watch a few episodes of “The Revolution” on The History Channel. It’s interesting to contrast the courage and character and determination of the leaders and politicians of that time with the morons and preening lightweights we have in office today. Nobody ever had to listen to George Washington whine about his Argentinean “soul mate.” If you even said the words “soul mate” to him, he would shoot you between the eyes with a musket.

The Fourth of July is probably my favorite holiday. Later on I’ll grill some burgers, then we’ll drive over to a local elementary school, from where you can see three fireworks displays at once. Then I’ll come home and spend the rest of the night reassuring Lucky, as she freaks out when all the neighbors start setting off their own fireworks in the street. She’s not a fan.

And next year, I swear, I’m skipping Waffle House and running in the Peachtree.