Stop saying that!

I was in a meeting the other day and several times I heard people say, “I don’t disagree with that.”

I’m going to have to insist that this phrase be stricken from the language. It is pointless and idiotic. Just say, “I agree.” You save two syllables and a bunch of letters and in these tough economic times, I think it’s important to be frugal.

I am going to compile a list of phrases and words that should be stricken from the language, and then I am going to work tirelessly to see these new regulations implemented. The penalty for breaking these regulations will be death. No sense monkeying around.

Also on the list is “teachable moment.” After going 44 years without ever hearing this, I have now heard it 7,569 times in the past month. It was recently used to describe the case of the Harvard professor who got arrested. Well, first, a “moment” can’t be teachable. People can be teachable. Dogs can be teachable, though not mine. But a moment can’t be taught. And here’s what incident taught us: Cops can be jerks, so don’t talk back to them. I learned that the hard way one hot afternoon on the streets of Griffin, Ga.

People are now fond of saying, “It is what it is.” This has to be stopped. Now, while I admire “I yam what I yam” as one of the great quotes of all time, “It is what it is” is nonsense, is what it is.

The word “unbelievable” is used way too much, especially in sports. Sportscasters will deem anything even slightly out of the ordinary as “unbelievable.” I think that word should apply to something that is so extraordinary, we don’t believe it. Therefore, Albert Pujols hitting a grand slam is not “unbelievable.” He does it all the time. Now, Ryan O’Neal hitting on his own daughter at his ex-wife’s funeral – ok, that was pretty close to unbelievable.

Sportscasters also like to say, “You have got to be kidding me!” First, let’s drop the word “got” from all phrases like that. AOL helped popularize the misuse of “got” with its signature “You’ve got mail” sign-on, when it should be, “You have mail.” And second, it’s clear nobody’s kidding them. Now, if I were to walk up to you and say, “I’ve just been asked to play guitar with the E Street Band cause Little Steven is quitting,” you’d say, “You have got to be kidding me!” And then I’d admit that, yes, I was kidding you. But we’d get a good laugh out of it.

Finally, consider the phrase, “He wants to have his cake, and eat it too.” This is a stupid phrase. I guess it’s used to indicate that someone is greedy. But I don’t think it’s really over-reaching to expect to eat cake if you have it. Why else would you have it, anyway? What other purpose can cake possibly serve? Maybe it should be, “He wants to eat his cake, and some ice cream, too.” That would be more appropriate.

There are surely more words and phrases we should eliminate. If you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know. I’ll remember you and appoint you to my staff when Obama makes me “Unnecessary Words and Phrases” czar.