I got steamrolled

When you are married, or are a parent, there are things you do and places you go, things you would not ordinarily do, but you do them for your loved ones.

For example, I saw every animated movie released between 1994-2005, including some really bad ones (Ice Age 2, anybody?). I have been to Chuck E. Cheese and birthday parties at skating rinks, and I once saw “Barney Live” at the Atlanta Civic Center. We had front-row seats. We were so close, you could smell the sweat on Baby Bop.

I have endured a few things for the sake of marital happiness, as well. You know, chick flicks, arts and crafts shows, pottery stores. A few years ago I took my wife to see a Dan Fogelberg concert, and just the other day I promised her that I would take her to see him again the next time he was in town.

I swear to God, I didn’t know he was dead.

A while back, Susan asked if I would go with her to see Manheim Steamroller. Great, I thought, I love monster trucks, so of course I’ll go. So I said yes, but then she told me that it was not a monster truck, but it was a concert at the Fox Theater.

Well, that’s cool. I’ve seen some great concerts in my day at the Fox – REM, Elvis Costello, Squeeze, Jason and the Scorchers, John Prine. It’s one of my favorite places. I love the live Lynyrd Skynyrd album that was recorded there, where Ronnie Van Zant keeps saying stuff like “Look a’here” and “Bring all my mules out here, kick ‘em one time.” Maybe this would be like that.

This would not be like that. Manheim Steamroller is, well, I’m not sure how to describe it. It’s like if Emerson Lake and Palmer let Yanni join them and then he took over and insisted they only play Christmas music.

But hey, I’m not against broadening my horizons, so I went in with an open mind. I paid $15 for two thimbles-full of white wine, and settled into my seat among 2,500 other white people in sweaters, and waited to get my world rocked.

These dudes came out on stage in resplendent white coats. There was a keyboard player, a solo violinist, a bassist, and they had both a drummer AND a percussion player, like The Grateful Dead. There was a small orchestra over to the side. And a groovy light show in the background, like you used to see when a band like Jefferson Airplane or The Doors would play on The Mike Douglas Show.

They started playing their music, some of which I sort of recognized and some which I didn’t, and after about 45 minutes they stopped and a big movie screen came down over the stage. Well, that wasn’t so bad, I thought, and I stood up and got ready to go – but it was only intermission. Intermission? What is this, a hockey game? Skynyrd never had an intermission.

So I left my seat and finally found a concession stand where they were selling beer, and I got myself two. I came back to my seat and my wife asked me if one of them was for her, and I said no.

“Why did you get yourself two beers?” she said.

“Because I couldn’t carry three,” I replied.

The last half of the show was a little odd. The movie screen stayed down, and there was some sort of medieval scene being shown, which didn’t make sense, and then a long shot of a guy riding a horse across a field to a castle, and I missed the Christmas connection, but a lot of the people around me seemed to get it.

I was a little disappointed, because they didn’t play any of MY favorite Christmas songs, like John Lennon’s "Happy Christmas", or "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer", or the theme from "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas", or “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.” You know, the classics. About the only song I recognized was “Carol of the Bells,” which drives me INSANE every time I hear it.

So, I have done my Christmas penance. I thought about trying to get even with my wife, but considering that I went with her to that show AND to a Richard Gere movie the same year, her debt is too big to repay.

Just know that for at least the next year, I have a get-out-of-jail-free card. Any time she asks me to go shopping, or to watch some house renovation show on TV, or anything unpleasant, all I have to do is say two words: Manheim Steamroller.

She will know exactly what I mean.