Veni, vidi, vici

Well, it is done.

I hobbled across the finish line at the Silver Comet Trail half-marathon Saturday in a sizzling 2 hours, 16 minutes and 19 seconds. In fairness, I started near the back of the pack, so it was probably more like 2 hours, 16 minutes, and 9 seconds.

Among men in my age group, I finished 98th out of 120. Out of 696 men overall, I was 548th. I was also beaten by 452 women, which means I finished exactly in 1,000th place. They don’t award prizes when you’re down that far.

However, in the 65-and-older female group, I was the winner! Eat my dust, ladies!

At the end, they gave me a nice long-sleeve T-shirt and a finisher’s medal, sort of like what Special Olympians get. I got a lot of pats on the back and sympathetic looks, sort of like what Special Olympians get. Then I went and stood in line for a school bus to take me back to the starting line. Everybody’s a winner.

The day before the race, I got an e-mail from the race organizers which very adamantly stated that headphones and earphones would NOT BE ALLOWED. There was a very reasoned explanation for the ban, and an admonition that this rule would be strictly enforced.

Well, I thought, this sucks. I have gotten used to running while listening to my iPod. I even put together a nice playlist of songs that would fire me up and keep me motivated, heavy on the AC/DC and ZZ Top, light on The Captain and Tennille. I didn’t like the prospect of having to run with nothing to occupy me but the voices in my head.

I toyed with the idea of being a rebel and sneaking my iPod up to the start line, then slipping it on once the run started and daring them to come pull out my ear buds. I was discussing this plan over dinner Friday night and my son says, “How can I get in trouble for misbehaving in school when I have a role model like this?” Very cute. Now I know why people keep dropping their teenagers off in Nebraska.

But in the end, that stayed with me, and I decided not to take the iPod. Johnny law-abider. Of course, I got up to the start line, and approximately 80 percent of the runners had headphones and ear buds in their ears. This is how anarchy begins, friends.

The run itself was fine. I had the normal excruciating pain, but you can get used to anything and I didn’t let it bother me, though I did almost pop a hamstring jumping over a tree limb when I had to duck off the course to answer the call of nature. I reached the halfway point and thought, yeah, I’m halfway through! Then I took about 10 more steps and I realized, holy crap, I’m only halfway through!

With about three miles to go, I was beginning to struggle, so I tried to keep my spirits up by telling myself over and over, “only three more miles, only three more miles.” After a while I realized that I wasn’t just thinking this, I was saying it out loud, which probably made me seem like a mental patient, only nobody around me heard me, because they were all listening to their freaking iPods.

So now, what? There’s a full marathon in Atlanta in March. Perhaps I’ll train for that. I’m more motivated when I have a goal. I also want to run my age (in terms of minutes) in a 10-K race, which means I either need to get a lot faster or a lot older.

Either way, look out, all you 60-year-old women. I’m gunning for you.