As bare as they dare

I went up to Athens this weekend to watch the Georgia Bulldogs play football, and it was a good time. The Dawgs won, the weather turned out to be pleasant, and apparently I went on a day when strippers were let in for free.

But then I realized as I sat there, these were not strippers, they were just your average college girls. I nearly had about 20 heart attacks – not in a “Wow, she’s hot” kind of way, but in a “Oh my God, I have a 16-year-old daughter” kind of way.

As much as I was amazed by Knowshon Moreno hurdling the poor Central Michigan player (that guy’s gonna catch hell in the film room next week), I was more amazed by what these girls were wearing, or rather, not wearing. Let me tell you this about the little dresses the college girls wear today to football games: the hemlines are getting higher, the necklines are getting lower, and my blood pressure was skyrocketing.

There was a time when I’d see these girls and I’d elbow the guy beside me in order to say, “Hey, buddy, check it out.” Now I have to refrain myself from saying, “Young lady, does your father know you left the house dressed like that?”

It’s unbelievable. One girl tapped me on the shoulder and I didn’t know if she wanted me to let her get past or give her a dollar. I saw a Dave Chappelle comedy special where he said that women who dress like whores aren’t necessarily whores, but they “are wearing a whore’s uniform.”

Is it like this on campus during regular school days now? If so, how can any young man be expected to pay attention in statistics class? Then again, after a childhood of watching MTV and having access to the Internet, they’re probably immune to it by now. It’s like a paramedic when they see an accident victim. Ho-hum, here’s another one.

It was much different when I was in school there. I went to college in the conservative, Reagan-era mid-80s, when the girls all dressed like Anita Bryant was their mother. The girls mostly wore blue jeans, but they didn’t hang down to their cracks to show off their tattoos, which is just as well, cause none of the girls had tattoos, either.

I hate to sound like an old fart, but seriously, girls, I think you’ve taken this a bit too far. I don’t think it will kill you to dress a touch more conservatively. If I want to see a bunch of boobs at a college football game, I’ll go to Knoxville.

(Pausing while all the Tennesee fans get that one).

Perhaps it will come back around eventually. I’m not saying the young ladies should go out dressed in petticoats and turtlenecks, but would a little modesty be a bad thing? I’d like for things to return to like they were in the old days, when the only thing that threatened to give me a heart attack at a Georgia football game was Jim Donnan’s play-calling.