How to talk to women

As a man who has lived a lot of years, and most of them in the same house as a woman, I’ve gained a lot of wisdom, and I feel the need to impart some of it to the less-experienced among us.

Here’s the deal. In order to get along with women, you have to talk to them. They like that. They’re not like us. They can’t watch a four-hour football game during which the longest sentence uttered is, “Pass the Doritos.” They enjoy talking, which is ok, but they also expect to be listened to, which is hard, and they expect you to talk back to them, which can often just be impossible.

Why is this? Well, for one thing, they often are not talking about what you think they are talking about. If they tell you that the weather is going to be nice this weekend, it’s not an encouragement for you to go play golf. It’s a subtle reminder that you promised to clean the gutters.

If they are being quiet, and you ask them what is wrong, they usually will say, “nothing.” They don’t mean this. What they mean is, “If you really loved me, you’d know what was wrong with me, and you’d fix it, without me having to tell you.” Even if there is no way in the world you could know what is wrong with them, you are expected to know. Then you have to apologize for not knowing.

I’m going to outline a few situations that men might find themselves in with women, and I’m going to give you the correct, and the incorrect, response to each of them.

Situation: She walks in the room, stands in front of you and says, “Does my butt look big in these pants?”

Right response: No, honey, of course not. Your butt is not big.

Wrong response: No bigger than usual.

Situation: She goes to get her hair done, and she comes home angry, complaining that it looks terrible and the hairdresser did not do what she asked her to.

Right response: I think it looks good. It actually makes you look younger. You’re just not used to it yet.

Wrong response: Why don’t you go see if the hairdresser will give you your money back?

Situation: She says, “It’s really warm in here. I’m burning up.”

Right response: Ok, do you want to me open a window, or maybe adjust the thermostat?

Wrong response: Yeah, I read the other day that you’re at about the age when hot flashes begin. It will pass.

Situation: She walks into the bedroom wearing a new nightgown and says, “Look what I bought the other day.”

Right response: Wow, that looks really great on you, honey. You know red is my favorite color.

Wrong response: Oh my God, how much did THAT cost?

Situation: She decides to try a new recipe, then asks you at the table what you think of the meal.

Right response: It’s pretty good. I never even thought putting cinnamon on spaghetti would be good, but this is great.

Wrong response: Do you think Domino’s is still open?

Often, the way to handle these situations is to realize that you’re not going to win no matter what you do, so you should just pretend you didn’t hear her. Then if she presses you on it, just say, “I’m sorry, honey, I was thinking about where I could take you for dinner Saturday night. You really deserve a night out. Now, what did you say?” If you’re lucky, she’ll let it drop, and if you’re really lucky, she’ll forget you promised to take her to dinner. Just make sure you have the number to Domino’s handy.