Off the payroll

A friend of mine the other day said she gets sad when she hears that song “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin, which is about a dad growing melancholy when his kid grows up and doesn’t seem to have time for him anymore.

Well, yeah, I suppose that can be sad. But I don’t know if it’s as sad as the moment when you realize you’ve been stupid enough to let not one, but two, teenagers have access to your debit card and PIN number.

This is what I was going through the other day. Sometimes I get to feeling masochistic and I want to do bad things to myself, so I sign on to my online banking account and check to see much money has flown out the door the past few days. Here’s a financial tip for you – as long as the rest of my family has access to a debit card, you should invest heavily in Target, Wal-Mart, Kroger, Walgreens and all fast-food restaurants. We’re singlehandedly keeping those businesses in the black.

I joke all the time that I need to get my kids off the payroll. Oh, wait, those aren’t jokes at all. It’s just wishful thinking. Ever gotten a car insurance bill after adding two teen-aged drivers to your policy? I suggest you open it in a bean-bag chair with some smelling salts nearby.

I actually heard “Cat’s in the Cradle” the other day, and I came up with a new song that is sung to the same tune, called “Kid’s on the payroll.” Here it goes:

“Well, the kid’s on the payroll
And I’m always broke
Tell them to save
And they think it’s a joke

When you moving out?
Dad, I don’t know when
I’ll have some money then, son
You know I’ll have some money then.”

I think it could be a hit.

The other day my son went off to the grocery store, his mom’s debit card in hand, to pick up a few things for dinner. Somehow, a few unnecessary things seemed to have jumped into his shopping cart, like a box of cupcakes and a big bag of Doritos.

Later that evening, I took the bag of Doritos from the kitchen and headed out back to grill something for supper and spend some quality time with Lucky, who loves Doritos almost as much as she loves me. My son saw me and said, “Hey, what are you going with my Doritos?”

I looked at him and said, “Your Doritos?” “Yeah,” he said, “I bought them.”

“Oh, you bought them, did you? Tell me, how much did these Doritos cost you?”

“It was like four dollars and something,” he said. I could tell he wasn’t grasping the point, so I said, “No, how much” – and I pointed at his chest, for emphasis – “did they cost you?” Again, he said “Four dollars,” so I said, “Oh, so you paid for these with your own money, or did you use the debit card?”

He said he used the card, so I said, “Well, unless you have opened a secret checking account I don’t know about, you bought these Doritos with MY money.” At which point I opened the bag and ate about 30 of them right in front of him. I gave the rest to Lucky, who is the only one in the family without a debit card, and therefore my current favorite.