Growing up

There’s not much doubt that kids are growing up too fast these days.

I have seen and read about this new phenomenon amongst the younger people in society known as “sexting.” Apparently, teenagers use their phones and computers now to arrange “hookups,” and girls are sending pictures of themselves in their birthday suits to boys.

You know, when I was a kid and I thought about the future, I thought there would be flying cars and robots and people living on the moon by the year 2009. It never occurred me that, instead, we’d have girls freely showing off their naughty bits electronically.

When I was in high school, if a girl’s bra strap was showing it nearly caused a riot. The thought of actually seeing a girl naked was more than I could even consider. And I was a little scared of it, to be honest with you. I went to church and I knew the Adam and Eve story. I was aware that nekkidness led to wickedness.

I suppose I was a pretty sheltered and innocent kid. I remember thinking how awesome it was going to be to grow up. I longingly dreamed of the days when I’d have freedom – a job so I could make money to spend on whatever I pleased; a cool car to take me wherever I wanted to go; my own house, where I could do what I want and watch anything I wanted on TV and stay up as late as I wanted to; and I could eat whatever my heart desired, with nobody to tell me “that will make you sick.”

Well, let’s take a case-by-case look at how that all turned out.

Job and money - I do have a job, and I make a decent amount of money, but I do NOT spend it wherever I please. Pretty much every dime is accounted for before it even hits my bank account. And as far as the job goes, the woman in the cube next to me has gotten a new adding machine that sounds like a machine gun, and she uses that thing all day long. Either she gets rid of it, or I’m going to have to take an anger-management class.

Cool car – Well, for the longest time, I drove a 1999 Plymouth minivan, until the engine gasket sprung a leak. Now I’ve switched to a sporty brown 2000 Chevy Impala. I’m not saying these cars are mostly driven by old people, but they come standard with a handicapped parking sticker and a tube of Polident. And as far as going wherever I want to go, approximately 99 percent of my driving is to and from work, or dropping off/picking up teenagers. The other 1 percent of the time, I’m going to Home Depot.

My own house – Thanks to a recent toilet overflow disaster, the entire downstairs of my house is undergoing major renovation. That means all of the furniture has been moved out, the ceilings and carpets are being removed, and there are huge holes in the drywall. It’s like I live in Beirut in the 80s. The value of my house has dropped faster than Britney Spears’ britches in the past year, and three of my neighbors were burglarized a year ago. Yes, owning a home is the American dream.

Eating what I want – Sure, I can eat anything I want. As long as it doesn’t have fat, grease, sugar, or flavor. My triglycerides are higher than The Grateful Dead, which has led to pancreatitis. Nobody warns you as a kid that these sorts of things are lurking.

I shudder to think what the future holds in store for my kids (who, by the way, have been warned explicitly they’ll be beaten severely about the head and shoulders if they’re ever caught “sexting.”). I just give them the standard advice – do well in school, work hard, treat people right, and life should turn out just fine for you.

Oh, and watch those triglycerides. Whatever they are.