For the love of money

I think that I’m about to get a divorce from the first love of my life.

I’m talking about baseball. Specifically, professional baseball.

I just don’t know if I can take it anymore. Sure, there have been times I have come close to walking away before. When the players went on strike in 1981, I was pretty upset. When they did it again in 1994, I was livid. And when all of the steroid news came to light a few years ago, I was disgusted.

But every time, I came back. Even though major league baseball never told me it was sorry. No players ever sent roses to me or bought me jewelry. They didn’t ask for my forgiveness. But I gave it anyway.

I started loving baseball as a kid, when I would throw a ball against the house for hours, pretending I was Nolan Ryan striking out Reggie Jackson; or throwing a Whiffle ball up in the air and hitting it over the roof, then circling the imaginary bases slowly, like I was Hank Aaron or Willie Stargell.

What do kids do now? Make imaginary calls to their agents, demanding they negotiate with their parents for more allowance? Do they emulate a hero like Manny Ramirez and pretend to be hurt until they can get traded? Do they imitate Gary Sheffield and spout off their mouths to the media, talking nonsense, then get praised for being “candid”?

Here in Atlanta, there’s been a lot of talk about John Smoltz leaving the Braves for the Boston Red Sox. Many people seem to be mad at the Braves for not offering him more money, even though he has been injured a lot lately, is 41, and is coming off of major shoulder surgery. I’ve heard people on the radio almost crying about the shabby treatment of this great Atlanta icon.

There’s no guarantee he’ll pitch an inning this year. Last year, the Braves paid him $10 million, and he was only able to pitch in a handful games. As far as I know, he didn’t return any of that money.

And yet, the Braves offered him $3 million this year to play baseball. Do you realize how much money that is? Odds are, you don’t, because you don’t make anywhere close to that. Unemployment in the country has hit a 16-year high, companies are cutting back, people are losing their retirement, and there’s more angst about the economy than we’ve felt in a long time.

Oh, and if you want to go to a baseball game and take your kids to see Smoltz or others play? You’d better get a second mortgage on your house first, or rob a bank.

And against this backdrop, a man is offered $3 million to play a children’s game. Not work for a living, but play. Throw a ball, catch it, run around in tight pants. And he decides, you know what? That’s not enough. Somebody else offered me $5 million. I’m going to take that.

Actually, I have no problem with that. It’s a free country. He has a right to earn as much money as he can. More power to him.

My problem is with the reaction to all of this. Fans and sportswriters are angry at the Braves for the way they “treated” Smoltz. Smoltz said it made him sad. Chipper Jones – who’ll get paid about $11 million this year to play a child’s game – is “very upset” and said the Braves disrespected Smoltz.

Are you kidding me? Are you freakin’ kidding me?

I like Smoltz a lot, always have. One of the greatest Braves ever. But don’t kid yourself, he is motivated by what motivates nearly every professional baseball player – greed. Show me the money.

The amount of money professional baseball players are paid is shameful. Remember Mark Teixiera? He was just signed to an 8-year contract by the New York Yankees for $180 million.

I did some crack research – I Googled it – and learned that the average salary for a registered nurse in the U.S. is $42,000 per year. Nurses are pretty important, wouldn’t you say? Society would suffer if there were no nurses. Society would survive if there were no more baseball players.

Do you know how many years a nurse would have to work to make as much money as Teixiera? 4,285 years. That’s well past retirement age.

By the way, here’s how many championships Teixiera’s teams have won – zero. Same as me.

How about firemen? Remember after 9-11, when firemen became national heroes? How they rushed into those burning buildings, how they risk their lives, and how they help save our houses, our property, even our lives? They’re pretty important, right?

But are they as important as the Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez? See, he does things like hit a ball over a fence, walk around Central Park without his shirt on and hang out with Madonna. And while a fireman’s average salary is $55,000 a year, Rodriguez’ last contract was for $275 million for 10 years.

In other words, it would take a fireman 5,000 years to earn as much as Rodriguez got in his last contract. A 5,000-year-old fireman can’t run into burning buildings.

And Rodriguez is also in a tie with me and Teixiera for number of championships won. Goose egg.

So when I hear baseball players, or any professional athletes, start talking about fairness, or being disrespected, or getting paid what they’re worth, my head explodes like in the movie “Scanners.”

If somebody offers you $3 million to play – not work, play – baseball for a year, you shouldn’t feel sad or upset or offended or disrespected. You should fall to your knees, thank God, and realize how lucky you are, and then shut the hell up.