Human resource?

When did I become a resource?

Of all the examples of the bastardization of the English language foisted upon us by the corporate world, I find the term “human resources” the most distasteful of all.

I checked in the dictionary, and read that a resource is something that “lies ready for use or that can be drawn upon for aid or to take care of a need.” Well. That makes me feel special.

“Human resources” is just some made-up piece of corporate jargon, designed, I suppose, to give the personnel department a loftier sense of importance. But I’m not sure I like being called a resource.

The “human” part of the term is self-explanatory, though I’ve had some co-workers before I’m not so sure about. I’m regarded as a human lying ready for use. This is not to be confused with a human lying around, which describes me on the weekends.

There are other silly terms that have been adopted in the corporate world. One of my favorites is “talent management,” or “talent acquisition.” So now, I am considered to be talent. This has to be welcomed news for Mrs. Harris, my eighth-grade teacher, who always saw a lot of potential in me.

Talent acquisition, I believe, used to be referred to as hiring. Hiring was a perfectly good title for these people because it’s what they do - they hire people. In the old days, you’d go down to the lumber yard or the cotton mill and ask the foreman, “Are you hiring?” I can’t imagine his reaction if you had gone down and said “Excuse me, sir, but are you presently acquiring talent?”

I prefer the old-fashioned terms. At least “personnel” had the word person in it.

We all know what this is about. There is a prevalent belief now that you can lessen the impact of doing something bad by giving it a different name. At one time, people were fired. Then, they were laid off. After that came downsizing, and its distasteful cousin, rightsizing. Look, buddy, if I want to rightsize, I’ll go to Men’s Wearhouse.

Now when people are fired, they are offered “career transition packages.” This is generally a couple of weeks pay and some Krystal coupons. I was offered one of these once, but honestly, it’s not much of an offer, as you don’t really have a choice. It’s a Don Corleone offer.

There are no employees anymore, either. We are all associates or team members or partners. Anything but what we actually are, which is workers. This is nothing new. When I worked at a grocery story as a youth, I wasn’t a bag-boy, I was a courtesy clerk. I courteously stuff canned goods and produce into paper bags (I’m showing my age) as some housewife with curlers in her hair would threaten my life if I smashed her loaf of bread. Courtesy was at times elusive.

And now, I am a human resource. People can leverage me, they can partner with me, they can develop synergy with me. Here I am, lying ready for use.